Who You Think I Am (2019)

Charles Horton Cooley, an American sociologist at the start of the 20th century, said: I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am, a statement which helps to capture the complexity identity.

Who You Think I Am (2019)

IntroYou're listening to episode number 55 of the transform your life from the inside out podcast. Obviously, the title of this podcast is I am not who you think I am, you are who you think I am. And the whole subject matter is letting go the Fear of judgement. Keep listening.

And as I said, I've been there before, and that's not a place that I currently am in my life right now. But I have been there and I want to share with you is that the Fear of Judgment of other people. And what they're going to think about us is it's like a virus. And it's so paralyzing, because that fear, for the most part, keeps you trapped in life. You know, I coach many people from all walks of life. And whether you're an entrepreneur or a salesperson, or what you know, an artist or dancer, whatever it is, many of you do not put out in the world what you do to the degree that you can, because you're afraid that somebody is going to judge you.

But many times when I see people getting into procrastination, that is fear driven. And I used to coach heavily in the real estate industry for many years, which I don't do anymore. But I see so many real estate agents in the past and they would over perfect a listing presentation or marketing piece or whatever, over perfect and over perfect and over perfect. Why? Because if they actually procrastinated in terms of like not doing the lead generation, there's they're supposed to be doing, they procrastinate through, you know, ancillary activities, artwork, putting things together, whatever. And the reason why is that's actually, I was going to use the word the skies, but that's not it, but that keeps them from putting themselves out. And that keeps them from being rejected, you know, by other people, and that keeps them from being judged. So so many people get into procrastination, and that's also fear and judgment based. And something else I want to share with you is that usually fear of what others think of us is a reflection of our own, you know, insecurities.

I read a phrase many years ago, I just love this phrase. And it said, I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. That's powerful when you think about that I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. And that is true authenticity. You know, what I see also is that so many people live a lifetime, and the fear and especially the fear of acceptance and approval from their parents. I've coached for over two and a half decades now. And it's, it's, and it doesn't pertain to me. And I'll tell you maybe why another episode, it doesn't pertain to me at this point, not because I'm any better than anyone else, or any of that.

And many times we're living in the shadow of judgment from the people that we love the most, and people that we think love us the most. What I've also noticed in myself, I would just dawned on me one day is that, and it does not apply to me. And I'll tell you, you know a little more as we go and other episodes. But when we're afraid of somebody judging us many times what our needs, you know, and I see this a lot of my transformational coaching programs is that when we're afraid of somebody judging us, our knee jerk response is to judge them right back, you know, for being well, that person's a jerk, or this person is this or that not even recognizing that we're being reactive to them judging us. And we're doing the very same thing to them, that we do not want done to us.

And the interesting thing also, this can be a little bit to a small degree and more esoteric, a little more metaphysical episode to some degree. And that, you know, when you really think about it, and you really, really look at your life, we all are mirrors of each other. And I don't want to go too far off track here because I don't want to lose my train of thought because I can go to I can go deeply down this rabbit hole. But to me, this is a lifetime skill. It's a like a lifetime victory. And it's like an involvement. When we have when we evolve out of that really ridiculous fear that oh my gosh, someone's going to say something bad about me, someone's going to think something bad about me. And someone is going to judge me. Which by the way, if you've listened to another episode on this, yep, that is true. People will think badly of you, people will judge you, people will criticize you, they will condemn you. That's what some people do. But many of us live in the fear of that. And remember, I don't know if I read it here on the podcast, but I posted one of my groups, I posted a quote by Martha Graham, the dancer. And one of her, I think was an amazing quote, she said that there's this energy, this life force that flows through you that flows through all of us. And it's not your, you know, it's not your job to judge how good that energy is.

And when others are judging you. Even though they think in their mind, which is what we're talking about this week, they think that they're defining you, they're not defining you, they're actually reflecting their interpretations of you, based upon their model of reality. And that is it. You know, I also want to point out is that I'm learning my lessons. I'm no better than anyone else in this planet. And I'm no worse than anyone else on this planet. And I'm learning my lessons. And to be just completely transparent. I used to be very judgmental, but not in the way the masses are. Many people judge through dogma, or through my, you know, my lens of the way society should be and stuff like that. And I remember this cheery, I read this, you know, recently I was watching something. And I don't know, it was about this Cheerios commercial a couple of years ago, about a black and white interracial couple. And they were talking about how so many people were upset by that commercial. And it's only a couple of years old. And I remember thinking, wow, never even dawned on me. Literally, it never even dawned on me that, oh my gosh, it's really a problem with some people, because I just don't see that way. And I do want to say I did learn that from my mother. Because she did in her own way. love everyone. It didn't matter where they were from our social economics, even though we didn't have a lot of money, or color, or any of that, for the most part is my mom just love people. And I learned that from her.

But that commercial, I was like, I was like, why are people in an uproar about this, and I didn't even notice. But I'm going to tell you where I used to be judgmental. And it's something that I'm working on very, very much. And being mindful and, and Cognizant and having my attention there is my trigger used to be, and I don't want to have to defend this, because a lot of people are going to get this right away. Okay. And a lot of you are going to know what I'm talking about. And those that don't well, then you don't. But my trigger used to be gratuitously stupid people. And I don't mean ignorant, because we're all ignorant, but I mean, gratuitously stupid people. And that used to, people that would, how do I say this people to be candidates for what's called a Darwin award, maybe you've heard of that people don't really crazy things, like, you know, trying on a ladder with a chainsaw trying to cut down a beehive, and then they get stung by the bees, and they fall off the ladder, and etc, you know, people not thinking not using their brains in any way, having no critical thought processes. And that used to be my trigger.

Because people have you know, some of you live in that fear like it. It's like this rainstorm, this thunderstorm over your head, you live your entire life and the fear of what other people are going to say about you. You know, not only that is that most people, I find that most people also judge from what I call their their dogma, or their religious tenants, or social norms or whatever. So not only are they judging you from their own perception of being a human being, they're judging you from our perception of the way they think the world should be based upon externals, and they don't even recognize they're doing what I call their impressing their model of reality upon you. And because they live that certain model of reality, they expect you to live that model of reality. And then if you don't live their model of reality, then they judge you.

And hopefully, you can see how crazy that is. And again, I don't mean to be repetitive, but just how toxic that is to allow that in our lives. also want to point out that the fear of being judged is for the most part, even though we learn it, it comes from irrational thought. Because many times people it's crazy is they want to be liked by all people at all times. And that's just not a reality. I know that I'd mentioned here in one of the episodes where I saw on 60 minutes, which I don't get anymore because I think at&t is fighting CBS or something I don't know. But I used to watch 60 minutes. And Paul McCartney was asked what his greatest fear was. And he says, well, the fear of not being liked and or something like that. And then then he said, Well, doesn't everyone want to be liked? And I was just laughing at that. I mean, because this is Paul McCartney, I mean, a global icon. And I'm sure there's some people that don't like Paul McCartney. But, you know, I mean, he's not going to have any problems finding friends. But we get into this irrational thinking that Oh, my gosh, I'm going to be saved if all the world around me and everyone likes me. When if you look at your own life, you don't like everyone around you.

So maybe that'll give you some comfort is that any judgment against you, for the most part is going to be fleeting? So I want to go back to the title of this episode. And the title is, I am not who you think that I am. You are who you think that I am? And when you look at that, other people are not who you think they are. When you're judging, you're reflecting something in you. And let's say that you are a spiritualist, well, then whatever evaluations you're making about somebody, and that could be judgments, you're making them through the filter of those rose colored glasses of being a spiritualist. What if you're a Christian, and then you know what, you could judge people and then without even recognizing it, you're judging and through that lens? Well, as you're doing that to other people, other people are also doing it to you. 041b061a72